The Softer Side of Control
Being a professional Domina has taught me a lot about control, but it has also allowed me to use one of my natural strengths: adaptability. I've always been good at reading situations and adjusting to them, but through Domming I've learned how to use that skill more intentionally. Every submissive who walks through the door is different, and being able to adapt to their experiences, preferences, curiosities and boundaries has become an important part of how I approach my sessions.
When we think of a Domina, especially how we're portrayed in movies, TV shows or even social media, there is usually a very particular image that comes to mind. A stern, poised Goddess in high-heeled boots, sharp red lipstick and a dangerously flattering dress. She gives strict orders, commands her submissive with intensity and, of course, has a suitably cold and sinister look on her face.
Don't get me wrong, I too am a HUGE fan of a wonderfully fitted dress, powerful red lips and a pair of very tall heels. But dominance doesn't always need to be cold.
BDSM is a spectrum and there are so many different styles of domination. Daddy/Mommy Doms, Brat Tamers, Sadists, Findoms, Leather Doms... the list goes on. Some people naturally stick to one style, while others move between them depending on the submissive, the dynamic or simply how they're feeling that day.
I was reminded of this recently during a session. My submissive arrived noticeably nervous and stressed, and I could tell that coming in even harder wasn't what I wanted from the dynamic. So I softened my approach. I gave him a little room to settle into the experience while still making it very clear who was in control.
By the end of the session, he told me how much he had enjoyed that combination of softness and dominance. It was nice to hear, of course, and it gave me the idea to write a little more about gentle or soft Domming and the place it has within my own style.
Soft Domming is more about how that control is expressed. There is more room for emotional sensitivity, reassurance, attentiveness, praise and positive reinforcement. Being gentle doesn't mean becoming passive. And soft doesn't necessarily mean what we're doing is soft either.
This is particularly important to me because BDSM can be incredibly intimidating when you're finally exploring fantasies that may have lived inside your head for years. A lot of submissives who come to me are still quite new to BDSM. They arrive with fantasies, stress, expectations, shyness and sometimes they're simply nervous just being in my presence.
I mean... can you blame them?
There is something I really enjoy about watching that initial nervousness slowly disappear. As the session goes on, I hear their moans getting louder, their breaths getting deeper, and I can't help the little smile that starts to creep across my face when I notice them beginning to let go.
Sometimes I want to take my time with you. Long eye contact. My fingers gently grazing your skin. Guiding your body where I want it. Giving you an instruction in a soft voice. Just because I'm taking my time with you doesn't mean I'm any less strict about what I expect.
You still have to behave, after all.
There is a game of hot and cold to it that I really enjoy, both physically and emotionally. I can be gentle and reassuring one moment and change the energy the next. And those little reactions you probably think I haven't noticed? I have.
Regular check-ins are part of it too. I want things to feel intense and stimulating, but I also want to know that we're staying within the boundaries we've agreed upon.
And yes, before anyone gets too comfortable, I am still a sadist.
I haven't suddenly hung up my whips so we can spend the session discussing the latest movie, the weekend weather and all of our feelings. I very much enjoy impact play. I enjoy degradation. I enjoy testing limits and finding those reactions you try so hard to hide from me.
Soft Domming doesn't take any of that away. What I enjoy is the contrast.
The crack of my whip followed by the softness of my hand against your skin. Intensity followed by reassurance. And praise when you've taken something well or done exactly what I've asked of you.
I enjoy a little positive reinforcement. There is something very satisfying about watching a submissive realise they've pleased me, and seeing how quickly they start wanting to do it again. That contrast is probably one of my favourite parts.
After all, you came to me wanting to surrender.
How I choose to take you there is where the fun begins.
Curious which side of me you’ll meet?
